Life: Opening up

Opening up, yep that's exactly what I'm doing so grab your cup of coffee because this is a lenghty one. As you've seen I haven't really written a blogpost about myself and what's been happening in my life for a while, I have been blogging but mostly about other things like events, reviews and collabs but nada about myself. I now feel that the time is right to open up and share my rollercoaster experience with you.

Can you believe that we at the end of March again but I'm going to rewind a bit back to the beginning of the year, the time when we were all hyped up and feeling all kinds of positive vibes.
So the 1st of January 2018 was a lovely day, I spent the day with my husband and daughter and what made it more perfect was the fact that I found out a few days prior that I'm pregnant, I was about 7 weeks at the time and it felt like a dream. I was in cloud nine, to think there's something magical happening inside of me again. It's a wonderful feeling when you pregnant and wake up in the morning, you smile and realise that it wasn't a dream and that you are infact pregnant.

So to be exact I took a pregnancy test on the 23rd of December because I was spotting that whole week and I knew it wasn't my period, it was different. But due to a previous incident I'm very careful when it comes to these things so after the Christmas weekend I went to the GP just to make 100% sure that I am infact preggies and that everything's okay, he took a test and congratulated me, yeah! After I told him my history he examined me, I had no pain and told me there's nothing to worry about and spotting is normal in the first trimester. I told him that I was actually hoping for an ultrasound to have peace of mind but he told me to come back by the 15th of Jan then he'll refer me to a gynae as it's holiday and I was still early in my pregnancy. I feel sometimes it's better to listen to that inner voice inside your head, but okay he's a doctor and knows better.

 It was all good untill I started bleeding heavily on the third of Jan.  I immediatly knew that something wasn't right and being the person that I am I started panicking and imagining the wost. I told myself to stay positive because even though I stress very quickly I am also a very optimistic person. 

Mixed feelings much!

With the bleeding came some cramps but not too much so I couldn't really say what was happening. When I arrived at the hospital it was lots of questioning from the nurse before she finally took a pregnancy test, a few minutes later she confirmed that I was still pregnant and I felt so relieved but not too happy because something's definitely wrong because why the bleeding?

I then saw a doctor who examined me and then sent me for a ultrasound because according to her it didn't look good at all. And then I received the worst news ever, no sac could be seen, no fetus could be seen and that only means either I had a miscarriage or I'm having another etopic pregnancy or maybe it's just too early to see. She soon confirmed "the state of the art equipment we using these days you won't be able to miss it if you were 7weeks, so it looks like you had a miscarriage"

Smacked with reality I went back to dress myself after the ultrasound to return back to the doc, what's happening just a few moments ago the nurse told me I'm still pregnant and that my HCG levels are high but now a different story. The docter explained the reason for that is after a misscarriage it takes a while for your body to kind of read that you not pregnant anymore and to release everything (I dunno if  I'm explaining it right though) and for the hcg levels to drop and show negative so they will have to test my blood again after 48 hours to make sure the levels are dropping.

 I couldn't hold my tears, it's just the most painful thing to experience. We were really looking forward to the little one and thought Shaz was finally going to have a sibling. My heart shattered into peaces but I know I need to accept and be strong for my own sake and especially my daughter Shazia'a sake. And that's what I did, I had lots of time to reflect and think while in hospital, I accepted what has happened and know that things like these just make you stronger and increases your Imaan.

 It's so true what they say the quicker you accept the faster you will heal. On that very day while browsing through my Instagram feed I got to this picture and it was like it was ment for me.

 The caption:

That which you perceive as a loss may have been your biggest win. So close your eyes for just a moment. Think of all the times you felt you lost a part of you. And accept. Accept that Allah will always have your back. He will only take away something to make space for that which is much better. He only takes away that which SHOULD NOT and DO NOT DEFINE YOU. You have the most Kind, the most Wise, the most Considerate, the most Thoughtful behind you. Acknowledge. Trust. Appreciate.

Caption and picture by The dua journal (Instagram)

I kept busy and it helped but some days I just cried, I think I tried too hard. But with each day passing by I felt better and began to feel myself again.

BUT 

 It wasn't over, I had to go again the Thursday for another bloodtest, and the next Thursday for another one. My gynaecologist informed me that my hcg levels was dropping but very slowly which meant that I was still pregnant but not really, does that even make sense? I was having a PUL pregnancy (Pregnancy of unknow location), remeber they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound but it still showed I was pregnant, he explained that I most likely had an etopic pregnancy and some of the pregnancy tissue attached somewhere they couldn't see and somewhere a pregnancy can't survive. An etopic pregnancy is also called 'tubal pregnancy' and it's when the egg grows in your tube and leads to rupture if not taken care of in time. That happened to me with my first pregnancy in 2011, I had an etopic pregnancy without even knowing I was pregnant and my one fallopian tube ruptured at 8 weeks and it had to be removed via laparoscopic surgery. I almost died when it ruptured but that's a story for another blogpost. If you had an etopic pregnancy before your chances are high that you'll get it again so a person must be extra careful when having only one tube. I was also very worried that I won't get pregnant again with my one tube but Alhamdulilaah a year and a half later I fell pregnant with my little miracle, Shazia is four now.

So my doctor gave me the options for treatment, either he treats it by injecting me with the chemotherapy drug called Methotrexate. What this medication does it stops the pregnancy cells leading to the pregnancy being absorbed but there's obviously disadvantages of using this option and the one that stood out the most was the fact that for six months you shouldn't even try to fall pregnant because it will cause birth defects so you will have to go on family planning. The other option was that I will have to continue going for bloodtests every week till the hcg levels drops to zero by itself - which means I will have to wait for my body to do the job. 

What did I do? I obviosly went with the second option, I put my trust in the Almighty (tawakkul in Allah), it took a while but my doctor called me on the 15th of Feb to let me know that my hcg levels finally dropped to zero and the pregnancy terminated. It's all over, quite a bittersweet moment coz who wants to hear that? But the weekly bloodtests, the worrying that something weird will happen and the fact that I didn't take the chemo meds was such a huge relief.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that the Almighty won't put you through something that you won't be able to handle. I also believe wholeheartedly that I will fall pregnant again, this was just a sign for me that I can still conceive. In Sha Allah, Ameen.
 But for now I'll take the doctor's orders and give myself and my body a break for atleast six months before I try again.

Feeling positive

Also, I don't know if you were of those that saw my posts in January while I was in hospital but I thought to myself if I can share all my happy moments on Instagram all the time why not the sad ones too, so I posted but not what happened obviously because it was still too fresh and way too early to even tell what was really happening. I was so overwhelmed with all the get well messages and love you guys showed me even without knowing what was wrong or even really knowing me. It's amazing, as weird as it sounds it really made me feel better, it just shows that people do still care for one another even if they don't know eachother.

Shukran/ Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really appreciated and needed it at the time when I was feeling my worst.

Always remember that there's always hope, never stop believing.

I struggled seven years before I fell pregnant the first time only for it to be an etopic pregnancy, imagine how I felt loosing my first. After that I had a succesful pregnancy and birth, Alhamdulilaah I'm forever grateful for my blessing. Then this now, I don't know what to call it a miscarriage / PUL pregnancy/ etopic pregnancy, what ever it was I overcame it and I'm feeling positive again.

If you still reading Thank you, I didn't write this post to get attention or anything but merely to help someone that's going throught the same thing or went through it and need a little push. It's also to raise awareness and that we need to take note of the signs that our bodies give and not ignore and wait till something happens. I'm always happy to help if you have any questions pop me a mail.  

 

#hugs

Pictures by Pursuing Pictorialism

XoXo Nadia SS

Never stop Shining